Why Emmett Opened The Door And Jasper Tasted Pie
by mimilovesedward
Summary: Emmett's a rapist? Bella's naked? Edward's crying? Alice and Rose are using the bananas? And Jasper's eating pie? WHAT? Rated M for a good reason. Canon pairings and hilarity will ensue.


**Why Emmett Opened The Door And Jasper Tasted Pie**

**Emmett's a rapist? Bella's naked? Edward's crying? Alice and Rose are using the bananas? And Jasper's eating pie? WHAT? Rated M for a good reason.**

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Bella POV

"Seriously, Edward, STOP TICKLING ME!" I giggled at my fiancé. Here I was, on the floor of Edward's bedroom between his fucking knees (with his cock basically waving in my fucking face, mind you) being tickled against my damn will. God, how I wished I was a fucking vampire already. I would throw his torturing ass through Esme's wall, even if it meant getting disowned by her and Carlisle.

Fucking Carlisle. He's a total DILF. That may make me sound like a slut, but he is SMOKING. But Edward is my life, and I would never leave him. La dee da, my life is almost perfect.

Except my loving vampire partner will not make me into a vampire. Too bad for him, on the night of our engagement, I totally tricked him into giving me his V card. I know the fucker liked it, the second after we finished he asked for another round. So, there goes half of our little "compromise."

Bella _always_ wins, bitch.

My stupid fiancé finally decided to stop tickling me, and decided to tickle me with his lips and dick.

As he ripped off the last of my clothing, I whimpered. This was the worst fucking part. The little prick would make me wait for him. It was like he _enjoyed_ hearing me beg. . .

Freak.

"Bella. . . ," he whispered. He slowly rubbed torturous circles on my breasts while I shivered under his freezing cold touch.

I love Edward as much as the next human chick, but this bitch needs some fucking gloves or something. Damn pretty popsicle boy.

"Oh, Edward, please, give me more. Oh God, oh FUCK," I yelled. Edward looked positively mortified, there was no doubt about that. I'd cussed around him a lot when we were alone, so I didn't really understand his reaction. . .

Until I heard Emmett's voice at the door.

"FUCK!" yelled Alice. That was weird; she must have had a really bad vision.

"Get your panties on, boys and girls," Emmett snickered. "Emmy-bear is coming through!"

Edward scrambled to throw a blanket over me, but the damage was done. Emmett walked in on the most disturbing and surprising scene in vampire history: me on the floor naked and Edward's dick hanging out of his boxers.

"Hey there, little Eddie. Oh, hi to you, too, Edward," Emmett smirked. He looked _too_ satisfied, and it really creeped me out.

"Emmett! Get out of my room, NOW!" shouted a half dressed Edward. I was now slightly covered and still creeped out. Emmett had a rapist smile on, so I reached for a shirt and darted into Alice's room.

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Emmett POV**

HOLY SHIT.

EDWARD. BELLA. SEX.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I mean, I always assumed Prudeward would make poor Bellsy wait until they were married for a century or some other gay shit, but SEX? I had no idea; I'm going to have to think of new joke material.

And I can't really call him Prudeward anymore. . . Damn.

The only reason I went up to their room was because I heard Bella cuss. I have NEVER heard Bella cuss until this day. I didn't know whether to fall on the ground and laugh or to hug her and cry. She was finally as badass as a human could get.

Ah, Bella. Not to be a pervert, but Bella was kind of sexy under all those frumpy clothes. Her tits weren't too bad; I would really like to—

"EMMETT I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD," screamed Bitchward, "IF YOU CONTINUE THAT THOUGHT, I WILL TEAR YOU INTO PIECES, BURN YOU, AND SMOKE THE ASHES."

_Edward,_ I thought, _calm the fuck down. How many times have you seen Rose naked? Do you see me bitching about it?_

That dumb bitch doesn't have to the balls to hurt me. He may be faster and a mind reader, but he's a total pussy.

I decided I was going to take Rose out for a hunt and then we could get down in the mud. The forest needed clearing, anyway.

"You've lucked out," Alice called from the kitchen. "She just went to the store to get a new wrench for her toolbox. And Emmett, next time you decide to use hardware during sex, don't decide how and which tool before hand. That was seriously the grossest vision I've ever seen." Oh, poor Alice. I need to learn to be careful about what I decide around her and Edward. Fucking Mind-Power Twins. I hate 'em.

I dashed up the stairs and politely knocked on Edward's door.

"EMMETT—," Edward started. I heard Bella whimper and throw something at the door, so I decided to leave. Pissing off Edward was hilarious, but making Bella cry was unforgivable.

"Just one thing," I said with my hand on the door. "It's the two-thousandth Friday night of this century, so we must play our traditional game," I said mysteriously.

Then the redneck walked in. "No, Emmett," Jasper whined. "We are_ not_ playing truth or dare again. It always gets way out of hand, and we always end up having to move to a different state."

_Fuck off, Texan,_ I thought. Edward fist bumped me.

Fuck yeah, I'm that cool.

"Besides," the hillbilly said, "Mom and Dad are going to be home tomorrow afternoon from their trip, and there's no possible way for us to have cleaned up the mess we will make."

"AHA!" yelled Alice. "You said WILL! I HAVE SEEN IT! We're playing!"

Forget what I said before. I fucking love Mind-Power Twins.

I strolled down the stairs and hugged Alice. God, she's the best. As I put her down, I heard Rose's car turn into the driveway. Knowing she would reach the house before I reached the car, I waited in the garage to tell her about our game.

This was going to be really fucking fun.

**There will be more. I'm going wild writing this story, and all I want is to make you giggle.**

**A review or two wouldn't be bad either :) So, I'll try to upload often. More reviews, views, and favoriting means faster chapters. Come on people! Third FanFiction story, this one is because I love me some Truth or Dare: Twilight Style! Have fun reading, biznitch.**


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